On I hear you, I see you

I recently had a slight problem in one of my classes. I emailed my prof about it and never heard anything back. When I asked her about my situation at the next class session, she told me not to worry about it, that it would get resolved. I thanked her but asked if she could reply to my email anyway, "I have been having issues with my messages not being received and I want to make sure my email is working properly." That was a complete lie. My email was working fine...I was just wanted a response. She never did reply to that email, or resolve (so I thought) the issue. So a couple weeks later, I sent another message. People are busy, especially profs, right? It makes sense that one email got overlooked. Still no response after the second email and I'm starting to get upset. I need this problem solved. My third, and slightly more direct (fine rude!) email finally solicited a reply. In reading her message, I found no resolution to my problem, but still I was elated. Despite the fact that she had provided basically no help, I was thrilled to receive a response. Why did this matter to me so much? Apparently (because now I'm completely at ease) I cared more about receiving some kind of acknowledgement than I did resolving the problem. Again, why? The idea that I was not being heard made me extremely uncomfortable. How did you miss my messages? Even a quick reply of "I don't know" would have placated me. When my prof finally did respond, I relaxed and realized how obnoxiously single minded I appeared. I needed that acknowledgement! That, "I hear you, I see you." Is that due to a personal insecurity...or is this a natural thing? I know that there's no perfect analogy, but I feel like this situation has some faith applications. Can you think of somebody else who often has to go without getting acknowledged? Doesn't it just sting a little when you get that, "Wow, now you know how I feel everyday" ? Geez, huh? I hear You, I see You.

On Not as Good as Yesterday

I am slowly losing my integrity
By writing this down in my speech class
Or maybe not
I am kind of focusing
On what is being said
It's weird because I just wrote
Yesterday
If I wrote a poem a day
It wouldn't keep away the doctor
But would you collect them up
And bind them in a book
To await wandering eyes
And curious brains?
My foot just fell asleep
Is that interesting to you?
No?
My foot rests inside a purple Converse shoe
How about now?
Is it necessary that I be
Mesmerizing, mystifying, hauntingly wonderful
For you to really really want my words?
Now my whole leg is asleep
Knock knock
Who's there?
Why, it's Mary Lennox
Back again
"Might I have a bit of earth?"
Golly, I've got a one track mind
But really I hurt for her
She just wants to feel important
How can I help her feel special?
Know that she doesn't have to seek out
These other things
God, help me give her a bit of earth
In my life'
Give her a chance to grow something beautiful
That can be shared
That I can appreciate
Help me, help me, help me
To be patient
And to open up my world
To show love
Because really
My life is good
I am hungry
Ready to leave class and go to lunch
But I like the necklace I'm wearing
And I have a heart
Full of hope

On The Strength of Input

Swing low sweet chariot
Come forth an whisk me away
Because the more I stare at this beautiful globe
The more I feel confined by our planet
By my vocabulary
By gravity
By my perceptions, or worse: yours
I like to think about life, existence, and the essence of humanity
But clearly my cardigan gives that away
It doesn't have to be all introspection
All philosophy
I can give you some attention too
If you are Mary Lennox, asking me, Archibald Craven
For a bit of earth
Evidence that you matter
That you effect the world
I can oblige
Everybody needs a little affirmation
Maybe that's why I like writing letters so much
It's so focused
So personal
So unlike what I'm surrounded by
We miss moments
Moments that could provide clarity
We overlook the beauty and the connectedness of it all
How I am shaped by:
Silly songs and stories created with my grandparents during childhood
My memory of these songs, these moments that I can share when I sing a baby to sleep
The world of literature that activates the mind
And suddenly allows my own happenings to intermingle with every story I've encountered
My brother and sister who are my peers and my children
That now when I visit home, it's a delight to wake up to them
Traditions that are dear, and people that are dear too
The evenings spent in the safety of red Koolaid
The comfort of the bowl of M&Ms
And the joy of each other's company
Nothing is distinct
All comes together in a rush
To some, a picture's worth a thousand words
But to me, a word is worth a thousand memories
The details of eighteen summers, two surprise birthday parties, and countless bowls of chicken noodle soup
Hurricaning in my brain as I wait at the train station
Waiting for a bunch of blue ribbons
Beginning to doubt the promise will be fulfilled
Gripping the bench seat, knowing it's been days
And Johnny's still not back from the fair
I fret and I worry
But then remember
That's it's really okay
Because the romance is in the waiting

On learning stuff in college

So this semester I'm taking a special class called War and Peace in the Western Tradition. A couple days ago, we were discussing the ancient Hebrew people. From the discussion and my reading, I came to something that I think is pretty interesting...

When we read the Old Testament, the Israelites seem like losers again and again and again. They have a really hard time following and being obedient to God and this gets them into a lot of trouble. Their distrust and doubt causes them to wander in the desert for 40 years, their plea for a king leads to all the depressing years of the book of Judges, they divide and get almost entirely crushed, etc etc etc. We walk away from the passages marveling at how "God's chosen people" just screwed everything up over and over.

From my history book however, I came across an idea that cuts them a little, actually a lot of slack. In one passage the text describes how as the chosen ones of God, the Israelites were not permitted to live as the rest of the world lives. It said that God wanted them to be an example to all the other nations, by living in the way He prescribed. Later in the text, it was discussed how much of our Western Culture has been influenced by the ancient Hebrews. Way back when, Mesopotamians and later Greeks and Romans were the world's powerful peoples. But somehow, the ideals of our Western Tradition mostly trace back to the Israelites and not the other groups. God gave the Hebrews a very strong sense of self and sense of value that the other cultures did not see in individuals, that sounds familiar. Come to think of it, in our society, last time I checked, it is far more common to worship one all-powerful God, than it is to believe in Zeus and Apollo and the gang.

When I really began to think about it...I decided that it's true. We live our lives a lot more like those wandering Israelites than like any of those other ancient people. Those rules laid out in Leviticus, we follow a lot of them: We don't marry our cows, or mothers. We consider it a good idea to get our overflowing sores checked out. We don't where clothes that have mildew on them. We appoint judges over us rather than follow Hammurabi's code. I could go on and on. I ramble on like this only to get to the point that maybe those Israelites back then didn't make as much of a mess of things as we think sometimes. Maybe. because so much of their lifestyle (hello, the first five books of the Old Testament) has been preserved and is still read and some of it practiced today...maybe they actually did their job.

It looks like God's chosen people really did set an example for the other nations with their lives. Maybe when we read the Bible and roll our eyes as people get swallowed up by the earth, maybe we can give these guys a little more credit.

On breathtaking

Frustration.
Annoyance.
Maybe a little bit of anger and bitterness.
Really? Everyone else is just here to get their MRS degree?
Really?
This is the obsession.
Seems like every waking moment.
It's not actually.
But it seems like it.
That's not why I came to college.
Fed up with so many GIRLS!
And then...
We're all together
And voices are lifted high in worship
Just a piano
And so many voices
Girls singing beautifully
Living in community
And I'm reminded
YOU'RE so much bigger
Than any complaint
Or frustration
And I'm amazed
Once again
At how you bring me back
Refocus
And it's all good.

On a Wednesday

So we sit
What are we doing today?
Adventure is out there!
But do we dare?
Of course.
First things first,
A fort.
Strong and impenetrable
We're ready for any foe
Or any friend
Who wants to be a pirate
An outlaw
Or a ninja with us
So we sit
After all the scheming,
The planning of daring deeds
Inside the fort
Playing a board game
Maybe a little bored ourselves
But together
And it's a best day.

On channeling channeling channeling

It's been awhile since I've written
The words usually sound a lot better in my head
But maybe I'll write these thoughts down
And give them to you on your birthday
I want to sound artsy
I'll be emotional and misunderstood
But also chill and laid back depending on my audience
I want to be read easily but also mysterious
A pocket full of contradictions
Now didn't that sound cool?
I'll write about how it's easier to find a silver lining
When you look at the sun that's shining
About choirs singing and church bells ringing
Because these are the kinds of rhymes we like to make
I'll make an allusion to "The Little Match Girl" or some magic beans
So you'll know that I'm well read
Fall in love with me through my pen
But keep your distance
How's that for drama?
I write to say nothing and everything about the inklings of my heart
I want to reveal exactly where the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked can be found
Make known that I am in possession of great and powerful, but oh so secret knowledge
Now this is just getting silly
If I reference events from my history book, the wonder of nature, and anecdotes from my everyday life
You'll love what I write and want to share it with your friends
Then everyone will know exactly how complex and how simple I am
I'll let the AP English class readers decide my mood for me
That takes some of the pressure off
Heart to head
Head to pen
Pen to page
How we pretended the lids of Koolaid Jammers were our retainers
Or named all the stuffed animals then threw them down the stairs
How you called me whenever there was a bright and lovely moon
And I would run outside and sit on top of the car to see
How you stayed at my house way too late because we sat at the dining room table baring our souls
How we traveled abroad in our pirate ship, landing safely on land
Only to have to jump over patches of lava and hide from bearded men
How we clumsily tried to waltz on the roof at night hoping the people driving by thought we were crazy
A flash of poetic memories and what do you think of me now?
I want you to put down my writing
And walk away happily mystified
Like when a summer butterfly whizzes past your cheek
And all you see
Is a beautiful streak of color

On quote me

Regardless of whether you use one or two, I feel that using stones to kill birds is both
1) inhumane and 2) ineffective (you would have to have incredible aim)

Just sayin'

On stuff makes me mad and then it makes me think

As we grow older, do we become more moral, or just better at justifying ourselves?

On Yes.

Sitting on the hard bleachers
The children are so sweet as they sing
Songs about spring time
Happy child songs
Walking in quietly
Is the teenage girl
Late
In her sweatpants
She finds her mother
The mother looks up
Genuinely gladdened by the appearance of her daughter
Reaches across the seat
Embrace
She points out
The younger sibling
The teenager
Waving and smiling
A family
Sharing and enjoying
And my eyes begin to well
One of the more beautiful things
I've witnessed in awhile

On hearing thoughts

--You are all sons of light and sons of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness. So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be alert and self-controlled. For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, get drunk at night. But since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.--

1 Thessalonians 5:5-11

"Don't waste your consciousness"

On I wonder wonder wonder wonder

I want to poll every "Christian" in the I don't know where--a lot of people. I want to ask them what they think faith is, who they think Jesus is, what they think having a relationship with Christ means, and what they feel that they are doing that makes them a Christian. Now, that probably sounded really cynical, but it's not meant that way. Truly, I just want to find out what the general consensus is. I want to know how many people think like I think and how many don't. This crazy wondering has come from months of being continually frustrated with "not being on the same page" as many Christians I'm encountering. Where is the disconnect between me and so many of those who have been brought up exactly the same way as me? It's utterly confounding sometimes. I make assumptions about what people believe and what people are really doing with what they believe--then all of a sudden, guess what! my assumptions are proven totally wrong and zing! I take it personally and feel lied to. The madness must end. I cannot blame others for not being the people I believe they are if I don't take the time to dig deep and get to know who they are and exactly exactly what they believe. I need to take my poll and find my answers before I wake up one morning and have relate-ability issues with the whole entire world.
So my first big question that I believe all Christians need to be upfront with each other about: Is your faith your identity or your activity? I think that there may lie part of the big disconnect.

On look out for good quotes as you go about life

"Toughness is a quality of the mind . . . like bravery, honesty and ambition."

--To Sir, With Love : )

On BEHOLD!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Behold me!
He beheld me.
Be held.
Nothing greater than the feeling of being held.
And He holds me
With so much more than arms.

On integrity, get some

Food for thought:

The way you're living . . . would your five-year-old self be proud?